Ouch! The last laugh.

For years us girls have gotten the short straw in my opinion.

In my opinion, blokes get it easy….this is why Mother Nature….well a woman in a white lab coat at a cosmetics company …. Got the last laugh.

Periods for 40 years minimum. Ouch! Each month that searing pain that rips through you that only a tub of Ben and Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie will ease. Along with a family sized Toblerone and the contents of the biscuit tin. And let’s not even start on pregnancy and childbirth. Morning sickness. Stretch marks. The inability to cough, laugh and sneeze all at same time gone after the age of 40.

Ladies, they say revenge is a dish best served cold. But for the next 10 minutes keep it warm….you will understand why.

Amazon customer reviews – Veet for men hair remover

***WARNING. THESE ARE REAL REVIEWS FROM REAL MEN. WE KNOW WHAT DRAMA QUEENS THEY CAN BE. THE DESCRIPTIONS ARE EXPLICIT AND CRUDE. DO NOT READ THIS ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT OR IN FRONT OF YOUR 80-YEAR-OLD GRANNY. WARNING****

DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS 24 Jan

By Andrew

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because, despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

5.0 out of 5 stars

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION 17 April

By The Cantankerous Tiger

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman’s log cabin, so for the past few years, I’ve used a shaver. However, the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I’m sure you’ve realised this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.

Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However, if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail.

My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product – 3 Stars.

3.0 out of 5 stars

Chicken. 29 Aug

By deaks

This review is from Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

I decided to buy some of this for my husband who was looking untidy in the trouser dept. I left him to it while i went to the supermarket, fully expecting to arrive back home to see him laid out on the bed with 2 hardboiled, shelled eggs and a big smile. Wrong!!

Instead, i arrived home to him shouting ‘oh yeah, that’s good…ooooh so good. Bursting into the lounge, I was confronted by the sight of my naked husband with his todger in the arse end of a frozen chicken that I was intending to use for Sunday lunch the following weekend! By the time I had recovered from my horror at this sight and coaxed the cowering Alsatian out from behind the chair, he had crawled from the sofa, which had a large burn all the way through the cushion, springs and wood flooring beneath it, towards the bathroom, still with the chicken attached to his manhood but with the rest of the bird wedged between his legs and plumes of smoke coming from his plums.

Confused, I followed him as he crawled up the stairs (by now the chicken was defrosted and beginning to cook) He was screaming something about firemen, ambulances and divorce, but I was more concerned with wondering why the scotch guarding on the stair carpet wasn’t stopping it from melting.

Eventually, he managed to get to the bathroom, where he slid into the bath ( with the chicken still attached to his knob ) and assumed the birthing position with one leg over either side before turning the cold water tap directly onto his sizzling and spitting garden. Imagine the snap, crackle and pop sound of Rice Krispies, but magnify it by several decibels. Three weeks later, he was still there!!

Once the burns healed and all the scabs fell off, I can honestly say that this stuff worked.

Plus points…

It will strip oil and grease from driveways in less than 5 seconds.

It will defrost and cook a chicken faster than your microwave will.

It’s a great contraceptive.

Minus points.

It will melt or set fire to anything coming into contact with it.

If you’re planning on having a family, forget it!

5.0 out of 5 stars

Grab life by the bollocks, 17 Aug

By Josh C

Jesus Christ, for the love of God, please, please read the warning signs. I didn’t and covered my Meat and two veg and can honestly say it was the most horrific experience in my life, and this is coming from a man who’s been on The Oblivion. The burning sensation was absolutely awful. It was like pressing an iron on your thigh and I screamed like a school girl in Gary Glitter’s bedroom. It hurt to urinate for three weeks and I never want to go through such a traumatic experience like that ever again.

In the words of Erasure & Wheatus, ‘give a little respect’ to this product and read the warning signs. Peace.

5.0 out of 5 stars

Veet — the Men Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) … ., 30 July

By John W. Osborne Jr. “Josbo7” (St. Petersburg, FL)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh, my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially, all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first, there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub, I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good”

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self-respect…….

5.0 out of 5 stars

OK so they were right, 18 July

By TodggerBurns 

I think they are making it up I thought. I am sure that it may tingle a bit and that the reaction was the equivalent of man flu.

Mistake 1

So when I got the pack home and while the girl was in the shower I stripped down and gave the meat and veg a good going over and having some left gave the exit shute a good smearing too.

I did pay attention to the instructions so I set the girl’s egg timer going

Mistakes 2 & 3 (this will come to light later)

I decided while waiting to go downstairs and watch the news. As I sat down the phone rang, it was a mate who was asking if I was going down the pub later. So there I am sitting on the sofa with a tea cloth over the lap chatting and did not see the cat come to investigate the smell. This where mistake 2 comes in, helps if you check the timer actually works.

So when the burning started I leapt up, yes another mistake, as the cat was still exploring. The aforementioned cat being startled dug its claws in. I can’t say I felt this as someone was applying a thermic lance to my nether region so was overruling all other nerve feedback. I hurtled up the stairs in the style that only the flash could mimic only to discover mistake 3, she was still in the shower with the radio full blast and therefore could not hear my pitiful mewling.

Apparently, I was bouncing off walls drooling and wailing still with a cat clinging on when the door burst in as the Police entered (my friend on the phone thought I had had a home invasion and had called them).

When I came home from A & E I was left with the last sausage on the BBQ, two pan roasted peppers and a rear passage that had reduced to 1 mm. Though I must say I now do not have a strand of hair left in that region and the cleanest colon going. The bad news is the RSPCA took our cat away and say with time it may regrow its fur.

5.0 out of 5 stars

…must…type…..quickly………, 17 July

By M. Page “Matthew” (Chesham England)

As a gay man, excessive body hair in the party zone can be troublesome. I have been plagued by a particularly hairy `valley of fun’ which causes not only embarrassment but impinges upon the practicalities of being intimate with my partner.

He quite often has to resort to using a comb and has said many times that finding my point of entry is so difficult he would one day do a DIY hair removal with some packing tape. I thought I had found salvation with Veet hair removal gel, but little did I know.

I assumed the position a slapped a good handful downstairs, smearing it liberally round the old bike stand. Whilst paying particular attention to my balloon-knot. The heat which began to build was somewhat troublesome. But the searing pain which quickly built in and around the vicinity of my starfish was so intense. I found myself praying for the first time in my life.

I became instantly aware of how Edward the second must have felt during his execution (google it), but with no sweet caress of deaths icy fingers to ease my pain.

Once I had managed to stop screaming. I hobbled to the bathroom where I spent the next six hours with a steady stream of cold water straight onto my sheriff’s star. While my partner fed me painkillers. He returned from work to find me in the bath, sobbing uncontrollably. But his initial concern at my predicament soon turned to hilarity as I described the preceding events.

I eventually managed some fitful rest, but when I awoke the true horror of the damage done became apparent.

My anus now resembled a pink iced Krispy Kreme doughnut, only bigger. It brought to mind those round rubber rings people sit on when suffering a particularly bad case of haemorrhoids.

But there was worse to come. I became aware of a need to `drop the kids off at the pool’ and recalled the extremely spicy chickpea curry I had eaten the previous evening. With seconds. As my motion began all the pain experienced previously seemed mild by comparison.

It has been three days since that event. I have not eaten a thing, so great is the fear of a repeat performance. I am beginning to feel dizzy performing the simplest of tasks.

My crack, however, whilst still swollen, is completely hair free. Five out of five.

5.0 out of 5 stars

Bring on Sigourney Weaver, 3 July

By Conrad Bevan “Renegade” (Gloucester, UK) –

This review is from Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)

I’ll keep it short and sweet, this is what the Alien has for blood, molecular acid in a tube. Slap this on your gentlemen bits, and trust me, they will be able to hear you scream in space.

5.0 out of 5 stars

It is worth the pain, 2 July

By georgestark

OK, I tend to shave my winter coat in the summer, but thought I would give this a try instead, let me just say I have not been in so much pain since I accidentally mistook “Fiery Jacks Volcanic Vapour rub” for my haemorrhoid cream. All I can say that I no longer need to switch the bathroom light on at night to pee, as the red glow lights the bowl perfectly.

3.0 out of 5 stars

 

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About Baby Bel

I'm a single mum, waiting on my knight with shining armour but the best I can hope for is my 7 year old wrapped in tin foil. You can normally find me on my hands and knees (cleaning the kitchen floor). Getting wet in the bathroom (cleaning the kids honest). Dirty in the garden (digging weeds). Being creative in the kitchen (spaghetti hoops on toast ah viola!)

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3 Comments on “Ouch! The last laugh.”

  1. OK, I’m crying with laughter.
    Have added it to my shopping list though for the next time hubby ends up in the bad books! 😀

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