The Tales and Tribulations of a ChamberMaid….
Today started just like any other day……
Arriving promptly for my Monday 9 am meeting with Ms Perkins…or Sour Faced Old Trout as she is fondly referred to, I was told it was weigh-in time….Shit! why did I have that muffin and latte on my way to work? Crafty cow normally does weekly weigh in on a Wednesday. I have enough time from Monday evening and all day Tuesday to shed those weekend glasses of Prosecco. Shit Shit Shit I curse the copious bags of twiglets and the takeout I had Sunday night.
The double chocolate muffin lurched in my stomach and the latte swirled in terror. “Let me just have a quick wee. I have been bursting since the tube” I tell SFOT. I run to the bathroom. Praying to the gods I have a big enough wee sitting in my bladder to compensate my gluttonous weekend.
Sitting there knickers round my ankles, taps running full belt I coax my bladder to not fail me. Tinkle tinkle. A poxy dribble! I can sneeze and more is emitted from my body! Oh God, I can’t do a week in the laundry in weather like this. Visions of sweat running down my back in the polyester blouse for the next week was too much to bear. Not to mention the 4-inch heels you are still expected to wear.
Only one thing for it.
Sitting on the porcelain, knickers still round my ankles I remove my jewellery. Including the nice little necklace, I nabbed out of room 204 last week. Well… she was such a bitch demanding I change her sheets to 100% Egyptian cotton due to her allergies. Payment in kind I call it. Treat me right and I will make sure you leave with everything you came with.
Jewellery off, I removed my tights, bra, belt, hair clip. Jesus, I even sat looking at my false nails considering how much they weigh. I was up shit creek without a paddle.
One last push to get any more remain liquid out and I would have to bite the bullet.
A few star jumps while I was drying my hands and off we go. No time like the present.
As I gingerly stepped on the scales with my eyes closed I heard a sharp intake of SFOT breath. “Well….that is not good is it” she retorted. My stomach flipped and I nearly lost the chocolate muffin the way it went in.
“A pound on!”
I almost fell into her arms with relief. “You will need to watch that. Another 2 pounds and you are in the laundry”.
Shit a brick! To say I skipped out of that office would be an understatement. I danced. I silently sang too. Held imaginary cartoon bluebirds on my arms.
Dumping my bags in my locker and fumbling to get my bra back on. Without Geoff the pervert maintenance man coping a look. I thanked the hotel gods and promised to keep the prosecco to 1 or 2 this weekend…..bottle that is.