It’s always a bit worrying when you are “getting down” to it for the first time.
Your brain starts wondering off and the little voices in your head start asking….
Is this going okay? What if he thinks this is terrible?
Below are my favourite 1st time “little voice” confessions I read on dailyfeed.co.uk.
“Wait….have I shaved?” Or waxed? I mean, most men don’t even bat an eyelid, but you don’t really want to be flashing your hairy growler to whoever you’re getting down and dirty with for the first time.
“What on earth do I look like?” Just when you start to relax and get over the panic over your “hair issues” you start to wonder what you actually look like to him. Does your hair look good? Can he feel your already very prickly legs? Can he see that spot on your forehead?
“Did I brush my teeth well enough?” When he leans in for a kiss, you’re left wondering if your breath is minty fresh or not. This is why morning sex must ALWAYS happen after you’ve got up and brushed your teeth.
“Is this face I’m pulling weird?” That moment he looks at you and you try to be sexy but end up looking like you’ve seen a ghost. What makes us look sexier? Who knows, but all I know is that whenever you’re trying your best, it always goes wrong.
“Why’s he doing that?” Then the weird stuff starts to happen. He’s probably seen this somewhere online or read that it’s a real turn on for women. Ear biting might turn some people on but it just tickles mainly…please stop.
“I take it he watched this on porn….” Porn is just ridiculous. Men seem to think we can somehow put our legs behind our head like a gymnast, whilst performing some obscene sex act.
“Why does he want to change position already FFS?” Just when things started to run smoothly, he asks to change position and that’s when the real fear starts to kick in. You start to relive past nightmares….what if you fart? Just stay where you are please…
”He’s ‘accidentally’ slipped it in the hole again.” Oh here we go again, it somehow start to lurk closer and closer to your bum. Why not just ask? It’s as if they think we’re not going to be able to feel it going in the wrong hole.
“Why do I need a wee again?” Now you’re left wondering if you’re going to give yourself cystitis from having sex whilst needing a wee. Is that a myth or can it actually happen? Either way, it always throws you off from your rhythm.
“What if I’ve got loo roll stuck to my bits from before?” This also isn’t the most attractive thing. Just as you’re getting yourself back in the rhythm of things, you catch a glimpse of a piece of loo roll stuck and then you start wondering if he sees it & if he has what on earth he thought it was.
“Why do my boobs grow under my armpits when I’m lay down?” Missionary is never an attractive position when you think about it. Your hairs everywhere, you look like you’ve got a double chin and your boobs lay flat under your armpits. And if like me you’ve got B cup boobs, it just looks like you’ve got a set of pecks on your chest.
“It’s probably time to get on top again so he doesn’t think my boobs are weird.” Yep, getting on top is the way forward if you want to make your boobs look normal again.
“I’ll kill this bastard if he stops.” Men always seem to finish off way before you’re ready to stop & not be completely bothered about the fact you’ve been left all high & dry.
“It’s getting a bit too slippery up in here. It’s definitely going to fall out in a minute!” You start to slide around all over the place. You’re sweaty, slippery & any minute now it’s going to fall out.
“Oh crap, I’m getting cramp.” After putting your all into now slipping off, you start to get cramp. Oh the pain.
“Oh FFS he’s finished.” And voila. What a selfish pig.