Prom-zilla

Parents prom season is upon us.

If you are a mum of a 15/16 year old I don’t need to tell you this. You have known for over a year. To everyone else. Prom season is upon us.

One cold dark wintery night in November they give you the shopping list (demands). You sit studying the sheet of paper. Frantically working out does the mortgage really have to be paid? Can you feed a family of 4 on the 27 pence you are going to be left with? You have 6 months to plan and save. You don’t need next year’s holiday anyways.

Whatever happened to the end of term disco? When Tracey Jones got drunk on a bottle White Lightening and Mr Saunders had to take her home and she was sick in his car. The last song of the night was sniggeringly called the Erection Section. And when that song ending rather startlingly the lights were thrown on full beam and New York New York blasted out to announce the end of the night.

So let’s start at the top….

  • The outfit, this isn’t your normal dress from the high street. Oh no. This is a full-on wedding dress in a different colour. A meringue that would put Big Fat Gypsie wedding to shame. PRICE £300+
  • Shoes PRICE £60+
  • Bag PRICE £40+
  • Accessories PRICE think of a number, times by 4, divide by the number of pets you had as a kid. Times by the time it is right now and add 10.
  • Second set of accessories because someone else has the same earrings PRICE RINSE AND REPEAT
  • More shoes because the original colour just isn’t quite right. PRICE RINSE AND REPEAT
  • Oh and another bag because the teeny tiny clutch you told her wouldn’t house a lippy and a 10 pence piece in the first place isn’t big enough for her phone, 16 pairs of lashes, lip gloss, top gloss, contouring powder, hairbrush, dry shampoo, frizz away and emergency lashes (just in case). Not like in our day when your bag contained a Miss Selfridge twilight teezer, 10 Bensons and Hedges, half a bottle vodka nicked out the kitchen cupboard and will be topped up with water when you get home and a comb that has never left the bag but you need it in case. PRICE RINSE AND REPEAT
  • Maybe even a second dress because Tiffany is wearing a dress slightly the same colour with a little bit of lace on the opposite corner and OMG like you can’t turn up in the same outfit mother! PRICE DOUBLE THE ORIGINAL BECAUSE THE PROM IS ONLY 9 WEEKS AWAY AND SHE HASN’T GOT TIME TO RESEARCH ONLINE AND THE PLACE SHE HAS FOUND HAD HER SIZE IN STOCK.

So we have clothed the little lamb for the event of her lifetime. Until the next life-changing event. It’s a shame she never got that prom dress in white, would do for her wedding too. Maybe dunk it in a bath of bleach and see if you can save a bit then…..but that’s a long way away…..you gotta find someone that will take her off your hands first.

Back to the random demands….I mean shopping list

  • Professional makeup artist…..don’t forget this will be double £ as the professional makeup artist needs to do a test run before the big day…..if she’s that much of a professional she shouldn’t need a test run….you don’t see Andy Murray having a practise Wimbledon final do you? Does Jenson Button ask to do his lap times again as the first was only a test?
  • Hair Do – as above £ double bubble!
  • Fake Nails PRICE £50 and add a further £20 for a rush job repair 2 hours before shes to leave as shes ripped a tiny diamond off her index finger. You offer to slab a dot of super glue on for her and fix it for free and she shoots you the “JUST GO BACK TO THE PAST MOTHER, YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND” look.
  • Fake Tan – no prom beauty is complete without the Man from Delmonte look. Open up a dulex paint colour chart and pick the deepest orange you can find. That’s the one. You offer to stand her in the garden and creosote her down for £5 a gallon but the “MOTHER” look shoots down that idea. It must be the in thing, nothing else will do. Standing in the bath with rubber gloves and 6 tubes of shaky bake from Poundland won’t suffice. Off to the beauticians for an ST Tropez Air Spray. Paper pants optional. I did ask the girl with the Ronseal paint gun in her hand that as she was wearing a full-length gown was her bottom half really necessary? Could it be done for half price as only half her body needed the spray job? Strangely the girl who I personally think got her qualifications on a painting and decorating course used the same “MOTHER” look as my daughter uses……are girls born with this ability to use the look on any woman over the childbearing age?

Nearly done parents….it will soon be over.

You can go have a slug out that vodka bottle you hid in kitchen cupboards (for medicinal reasons only you understand). Not going to tell you that your little princess has already topped it up with water so many times previously you would get more pissed licking the outside of the bottle than drinking the contents.

  • Transport – You realise pretty soon into this adventure that every single limo company hikes up the prices of their hire around prom season. It’s like seeing a £150 cake in the bakers and telling them it’s for a wedding and suddenly the price is £250 for the exact same cake. BUT it’s okay. Your little beam of sunshine has told you that 7 of her mates are chipping in so it’s only the cost divided by 8. So okay you agree £40 would be the cost of a cab….and who wants to turn up for the event of the season in a beige Ford Mondeo with a pine tree air freshener as decoration, driven by a bloke called Dave who sits on a beaded chair cover for his lumbar region. Here’s the catch. The limo has to be paid in full to secure the booking there and then but the fruit of your loins promises you faithfully she will collect everyone’s contribution by yesterday at the very latest. That’s the last you will see of that £300 quid mate I can assure you.

Other options include the Mystery Machine driven by Shaggy and Fred. Who looks nothing like Shaggy or Fred! A green t-shirt and a neckerchief don’t make you a character from Scooby Doo or the A-Team van. But a fella with grey hair and ray bans with half a smoked fag hanging out his mouth doesn’t really cut it as Hannibal. The least said about the Mr T the better but I think he got his triple fake tan from the beautician with the NVQ in painting and decorating as above.

So you have done it. You have met the demands like Liam Neeson. And you haven’t had to find or kill anyone……many a time you contemplated it but your hands are clean. You are a grand down on the deal. (a deal that only lasts 4 hours I add). You wave your little star shine off in her horse-drawn carriage….well white limo but you get my drift. You check your flash was working on your camera and realise you didn’t take the lens cap off FML!

Alternatively

Have a boy. £100 quid suit from Matalan and new shoes from Shoe Zone. Will come in handy for his job interviews next term. A squirt of Lynx and a dab of hair stuff. And no need to book a Limo……Limos are for losers and girls. His mate’s brother’s cousin has got a souped-up Subaru Impreza with full body kit in blue and yellow. He’s going to rock it when he turns up.

Prom

Pretty Prom TIme!

 

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